Sometimes it’s so hard to pray . . .

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Praying

It doesn’t have to be

the blue iris, it could be

weeds in a vacant lot, or a few

small stones; just

pay attention, then patch

a few words together an don’t try

to make them elaborate, this isn’t

a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which

another voice may speak.

— Mary Oliver

I don’t know why but sometimes there are long stretches of time when it’s so hard for me to pray, or, when I do pray, for that time of prayer to last very long. My favorite line from this poem by Mary Oliver  is “this isn’t a contest but the doorway. . . .”  Shouldn’t prayer be  a moment of grace, even at those times when your prayer is born out of frustration or anger or grief? Why do I worry so much about the words or starting out with the wrong attitude? Isn’t letting God in the surest way to find words, to hit the reset button?

A little Monday morning wisdom. . .

So I’m feeling out of sorts today, in pain from overdoing it at the gym, overtired from the weekend, overwhelmed by all I need to get accomplished this week–just generally over it.

Thankfully God used a Facebook friend this morning to send me a very important reminder of who I am. (Thanks JH!)

“Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor, Satan shudders and says, ‘Sh*t!  She’s [he's] awake!’”

Truthfully, I’m not 100% walking in joy again, but thanks to my new mantra, I’m definitely getting there.

Out of the closet and into the fire?

First–My humble apologies for the embarrassingly long time that’s gone by since my last post. I promise to get better.

Second–Some folks have kindly asked about an RSS feed. Turns out if you scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, there are two hotlinks for you to subscribe to posts and/or comments. Right now it looks like it’s set up for Google Reader. In coming weeks (?), I’ll see if I can figure out how to add other feed sites like Feed burner. But be warned, me and HTML surely ain’t friends.

And now for the main event. . .

So, this is one of those “put your money where your mouth is” posts. My raison d’etre for this blog is to be honest about my Christian walk, warts and all. And part of that is voicing my opinion even when I know it’s in opposition to what many Christians believe.

Obviously with the Proposition 8 referendum in California, gay marriage has been very much in the headlines. Though I do believe homosexuality is a sin, I’m not against gay marriage. I don’t have any well-thought out or structured arguments that cite the Bible or reference case law. I simply believe that a committed relationship is no less real, no less true nor less worthy of honor because the couple in question is homo- rather than heterosexual.

In light of the soaring divorce rate (I’ve been thru the season  of a million friends’ weddings, the season of a million friends having kids, and it’s sadly now the season of friends’ divorces), rampant promiscuity, child abuse, poverty, and lack of education that are alive and well in the heterosexual community, it feels ridiculous to me to adopt the stance that legalizing gay marriage will somehow destroy the family. That bridge–unfortunately–was burned a long time ago.

As I see it, our work is to rebuild and strengthen families, encourage partners–irregardless of sexual orientation–to legally and publicly solidify their unions to show that commitment still matters.

As I said above, I do believe homosexuality is a sin. HOWEVER, it is no bigger a sin than the gossiping, snarky tongue I struggle with every day or my tendencies toward lustful imaginings. And if–despite those recurring sins–God can bless my commitment to marriage (if marriage is his plan for me), then I have to believe he will bless that type of commitment from other sinners.

I am sure to get a lot of opinions on both sides of the issue, and I welcome them and will happily post even those voices that disagree with me. Be warned, however, that I will not post any response that disrepects this forum or the views of anyone who chimes in.

Be blessed.

The United States of Jehovah?

I came upon this blog post the other day by a Christian blogger I follow on Twitter.

Basically, she’s ranting against something President Obama said during his last European visit: “We (America) are not a Christian Nation…, we are a Nation of citizens….”

I was taken aback, not just by the substance of what this blogger wrote, but also by the fear and anger thrumming so loudly under her words. My first reaction is that the U.S. is not a theocracy. Though as Christians, we know Jehovah is ultimately in charge, our country is made up of people who follow many different faith traditions, including those who claim God doesn’t exist. (BTW, I’m using “Jehovah” to make sure it’s clear I’m talking about our understanding of God as Christians, as opposed to Allah, or some other take on the Creator.)

It seems to me that the blogger has missed the point of Obama’s statement, closing her mind off after the first half of the quote. I don’t agree that Obama is denying the existence of Jehovah nor is he denying Jehovah’s sovereignty. Rather, I believe that Obama’s quote rightly acknowledges that the U.S. is a multi-religion country. That’s just the reality of our situation; we may be founded on Christian principles, but it turns out a lot of people who aren’t actually Christians also like living in a country founded on those principles.

Reading through the post, I also found myself wanting to yell at her that the Bible says to honor our leaders. President Obama is president because Jehovah allowed him to be voted into that office, and if we believe Jehovah God’s will be done, then we’ve got to respect Jehovah God’s choice.

I think this post also touches a nerve because of all of the anti-Obama sentiments  that were written by our Christian brethren around the election. Much of what was written appeared to be about more than disagreeing with his politics; I sensed real hatred and fear and generally unChristian sentiments driving the anti-Obama dialogue. To be honest, to hear what some folks were writing made it difficult for me to want to identify as a  Christian. My Pastor says all the time that people don’t dislike Jesus, they dislike Christians. Reading and listening to some of the anti-Obama vitriol I thought–well, if this was the picture I was getting of followers of Christ, nope, I wouldn’t have picked up the cross to follow Jesus either.

It’s not that I think that everyone has to love the president. Let’s be honest, I wasn’t a huge George W. Bush fan, and to this day, I don’t understand why folks voted for him. . . twice! But whatever happened to disagreeing in love? What happened to thinking, “Well, God, I don’t know where you’re going with this and it’s not the choice I would have made, but you’re Jehovah, so I guess I’ll just trust you on this one and at least be respectful and civil in any of my discourse on the president.”

So, all that being said, I have to admit that in addition to being outraged, I did also have a moment of–Is she right? Am I such a liberal, such an Obama fan that I’m the one mishearing Obama’s statement? Am I in danger of a heavenly smack down because I’m not offended by the president’s comments?

The reality is my political opinions aren’t always in line with governing church attitudes, and sometimes I’m probably way off base. And no, I don’t mean to say that the governing church attitude is anti-Obama; I’m speaking generally here.

So that’s my two cents, and I look forward to hearing what you all have to say about it.

A few thoughts . . .

that I’m pondering and praying this week . . .

“Father God, keep me busy with what I love to do.” (Eccl 5:20)

“Father God, give me your good judgment and your goodness.” (Ps 72:1)

“Father God, help me to enjoy good times, and to remember you in good times as well as hard ones.” (Eccl 7:14)

“Father God, help me to know and understand right down to my DNA, in my soul, and in my spirit that I have no one in heaven but you, and I want–and need–nothing on earth besides you. (Ps 73:25)

Talking Points

My friend Jana sent me a link to David Plotz’s March 3 blog post in Slate, “What I learned from reading the entire Bible.” I urge you to visit www.slate.com/toolbar.aspx?action=print&id=2212616 to check it out.

You may be tempted to stop reading at paragraph 9, which ends, “He is no God I want to obey and no God I can love.” Clearly that’s miles away from what I–and probably most of you–think. But keep reading because Plotz goes on to make a very important point: Reading the Bible has bought him into a lifelong conversation with God. Granted in his case, it’s a noisy, doubt-filled argument, but at least God and Plotz are talking.

I was away the last two weeks at a conference center in West Virginia for a work-related seminar. After the second day, I slipped right out of my morning routine: journal, read my Bible, journal some more, pray.  Not surprisingly, since each successive morning found me choosing extra sleep or cable TV-time rather than time with God, it was no hardship for me to blow past my one-drink maximum during social hours or to overeat every single day at the breakfast, lunch, AND dinner buffets. (Cake and icecream=Paulette’s kryptonite) I was out of control without God, and I learned a very visceral lesson about how much God actually saves me from myself.

Verses 27-28 of Psalm 73 reads in part, “Those who are far from God will die; you destroy those who are unfaithful. But I am close to God, and that is good.” Thankfully, no human beings were mortally hurt in the filming of my very own “Just say YES” public service announcement, but stepping on that scale when I returned home sure caused my self-esteem to die a little. And I also killed the dream that I’d lose 5 pounds this March, which now is, realistically, highly unlikely.

So, what’s the moral of this story? Well, it’s actually a two-fer. The first? Although David Plotz is agnostic at best, reading his piece caused me to reflect on my own Christian walk in order to make that walk a little straighter. We just never know who or what God will use to teach us. So–without going overboard–remember to walk in a place of openess. And the second lesson? When it comes to his people, God’s Facebook status is always: Open for conversation.

Wait, I say, on the Lord

I was blessed that not only did I manage to do my taxes early, but I also got a good bit back. So I really want a laptop, because I’d prefer to write from my couch or my bed, rather than sitting at my home desk after being at my work desk all day. I’d also like to pay a chunk on one of my zillion credit cards. So I’ve been praying on and off for guidance (and already spending a little more of the tax check than I probably should of.) Just now I found myself thinking–Well, I should just go ahead and buy the lap top. Then I thought, Whoa– you haven’t heard from God yet, so you’re just presuming you should  make the decision yourself?

It made me realize how impatient I am, and how unwilling to cede control. When God doesn’t speak, I tend to presume he’s not going to speak. My first thought is never that he’s not ready to speak yet, or that he’s giving me an opportunity to develop some patience and self-control.

I tend to still get caught up in my childhood fear that if I don’t seize an opportunity now–eat that slice of cake, spend the paycheck I earned herding 7 & 8 year-old ruffians all summer–then it’ll just disappear. I’m so used to shifting sands, I tend to forget that my heavenly father is always constant. He doesn’t withhold blessings or answers to my questions. He simply gives when the time is absolutely right. He works on his timeline, not mine.
And if I’m going to trust that he’s God of the universe, then I should be able to trust he knows from setting a timeline, right? I also need to trust that that money sitting in the bank can just as easily be spent next month or next year or whenever God tells me he’s ready to move. This is definitely one of those areas in which I need a ton of practice.

And here’s a p.s. I’ve been pondering for a while: Does using credit cards = not trusting God?

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

There’s an old joke that starts, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” The punchline: Practice, practice, practice. The Bible states that all have sinned and fall short of the glory (or character) of God? So how do we get there? Practice, practice, practice.

For many of us, myself included,  just getting to the point where we said “Lord I need you to take hold of my life” felt like a journey and a half. But in truth, that’s only the beginning. Once we agree to be in relationship with God, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit, then as in all relationships, we have to start working and walking it out. One of the stumbling blocks to me accepting a dynamic, loving relationship with Christ was that I thought I’d have to be perfect right away. My finances would have to be in order, I’d have to stop swearing and drinking, and I’d even have to make my bed more than once in a blue moon. Well, three years into this walk, I’m slowly but surely becoming a better steward, I have stopped swearing (mostly), I still drink though I don’t get drunk, and I hardly ever make my bed.

I want this blog to be an honest accounting of my walk with God: what he teaches me when I wake up in enough time to have Bible study and prayer before work as well as the mornings I sleep for an extra half hour instead of getting up for my date with God; the things I struggle with such as why Harry Potter books are verboten for most Christians while The Lord of the Rings gets to stay on the reading list; the days when God feels far far away from me and the days his praise is continually in my mouth. I hope you’ll find something in this blog that encourages you, that challenges you, and–with a shout-out to Arsenio Hall–makes you say “hmmm. . . ” I look forward to your comments, your suggestions for discussions, and your requests to be guest bloggers (hint, hint).